178- The Secret You Weren't Told: The Success of Being Kind to Yourself

Ever felt like being too kind to yourself might just make you a bit too soft and not make you succeed? Think again!

Today we're uncovering the impact of giving yourself that extra dose of love and empathy.

Whether you're struggling with worry, constant self-criticism and difficulty to relate to others or just looking to deepen your connections, this episode is your sign to start being kinder to yourself and discover its impact.

Tune in, get cozy, and let's talk about this. You and your relationships will thank you! 

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Transcript

178- self kindness

The night before your presentation, you're pacing around your room, flipping through your slides for the hundredth time, and you hear that voice: “I’m not ready. This is going to be a complete mess.” 

And what about “If I’m being gentle to myself, I might not succeed” “I worry that if I’m too kind to myself, I’ll end up lazy or weak and I’ll stop pushing forward”

Can you recall those voices? Yes, those statements you often tell yourself. If those voices have been a little too loud, you're going to want to stick around. Let’s talk.

Welcome, my lovely listeners, to a journey inward, to a place that's often visited but rarely explored with intention—our inner world. Today, we’ll explore the impact of being kind to ourselves, a simple yet profound practice that when practiced, leads to a drastic change in our lives. But despite its importance, self-kindness is something many of us overlook, dismiss, or outright struggle with. Why is that? Now you found a podcast, you found this episode, and this message is meant for you so come on in, and let’s explore.

Have you ever noticed how we're our own harshest critics? Think about the last time you made a mistake. Did you offer yourself understanding and patience, or did you mentally berate yourself for hours, maybe even days? This inner critic, though trying to protect us, often does more harm than good. Noticing this criticism is the first step in learning to talk to ourselves more kindly.

So, if being kind to ourselves is so good for us, why do we find it so tough to do? We're going to look at the challenges we face, like how society often tells us that being hard on ourselves is the same as being strong or working hard. We'll also talk about how some of us worry that if we're too kind to ourselves, we might end up lazy or weak. I’ll share stories you can relate to, like the one about a hardworking person who's scared that being kind to themselves might make them lose their edge. We'll dive into these issues and show how we can get past them.

"You are your own worst enemy"? Have you heard this before? 

This saying hits home for a lot of us, particularly when we're dealing with our harsh judgments. It seems like society often mixes up being tough on ourselves with being strong as if putting more pressure on ourselves means we'll end up more determined and successful. But do you think that's true? Let's take a closer look at this idea and see what effect it has."

Many people think being hard on themselves is good or even necessary to work hard. It's like a constant noise we've gotten used to hearing. But here's what often happens: that noise can make it hard for us to hear what we need and to be kind to ourselves. 

A lot of us have fallen into the trap of thinking that if we're not tough on ourselves, we're not doing enough to succeed. It's like this constant buzz in our ears, telling us that the only way to push through and work hard is by being our own harshest critic. This mindset becomes so familiar that we might not even notice it anymore. 

I’ll share with you Alex’s story. Alex is someone who worked hard and thought self-criticism was the secret to staying ahead. Alex would always be the first one in and the last one out at work, and any small mistake led to a lot of self-blame. In Alex's mind, any mistake, no matter how insignificant, was unacceptable and a reason for harsh self-criticism. Alex lived by the belief that this constant self-pressure was the only route to success, that staying on top meant being unrelentingly hard on oneself. Alex believed this was the way to keep winning. But all that pressure didn't lead to more success; all this pressure didn't lead Alex to the pinnacle of success he was aiming for. Instead, it led to burnout—a state of emotional, physical, and mental exhaustion caused by excessive and prolonged stress. It was his wake-up call. It was only when Alex started being kinder to himself that he found a better, more rewarding way to achieve his goals. Success, as Alex realized, wasn't about pushing harder and berating oneself over every mistake.

The real turning point for Alex came with a simple yet profound change in perspective: practising self-kindness. By starting to treat themselves with the same understanding and support they'd give a good friend, Alex discovered a more balanced and fulfilling approach to achieving goals. This wasn't about lowering standards or easing up on hard work; it was about fostering a supportive inner dialogue that acknowledged effort, recognized progress, and understood that mistakes are part of the growth process.

Alex's story is a reminder for all of us. It shows that success and well-being don't have to be mutually exclusive. By tuning out the noise of self-criticism and tuning into our needs with kindness and compassion, we can find a more sustainable and satisfying path to our goals. This shift not only improves our relationship with ourselves but can also enhance our performance, creativity, and resilience in the long run. So, the next time you catch yourself being too hard on yourself, remember Alex's story and consider a kinder approach. It might just be the key to unlocking a happier, healthier way of achieving your dreams.

The idea that being kind to ourselves might lead us down a path of laziness or lack of ambition is a significant concern for many. It's that nagging question in the back of our minds: "If I'm gentle with myself, will I lose my drive?" This worry stems from a common misconception that self-discipline and progress must be fueled by self-criticism and a relentless push for perfection. The fear is that if we start treating ourselves with compassion, we might just get too comfortable and stop striving for more.

However, this is where things get interesting. Contrary to these fears, research in the field of psychology suggests something quite revolutionary: practising self-compassion can boost our motivation. When we approach our flaws and setbacks with kindness and understanding, we're not giving ourselves a free pass to be lazy. Instead, we're building a strong foundation of emotional health that makes us tougher in the face of life's inevitable ups and downs. This emotional resilience allows us to bounce back from setbacks more quickly and pursue our goals with renewed strength.

The reality is, that being overly critical of ourselves usually ends up causing more problems than it solves. It can trap us in a cycle of fear—fear that we're going to fail, fear that we're not enough—which can stop us from moving forward. But when we start treating ourselves with kindness, it's like flipping a switch. Suddenly, we start seeing the tough times not just as obstacles, but as chances to get better and learn something new.

This change in perspective does something pretty amazing to our drive and determination. Instead of pushing ourselves because we're scared of failing or not measuring up, we start pushing ourselves because we genuinely want to reach our full potential. We want to see just how much we can grow and what we're capable of achieving. And this drive, this motivation that comes from a place of self-care and understanding, is way more powerful and lasting than any motivation that comes from beating ourselves up.

Think of it this way: when we're kind to ourselves, we're building a foundation of strength that comes from knowing our worth and believing in our ability to overcome challenges. This foundation doesn't just help us bounce back faster when things don't go as planned; it also pushes us to pursue our goals with a positive mindset. We start working towards our dreams not out of fear or self-doubt, but because we're excited about the journey and the person we're becoming along the way.

Embracing self-kindness doesn't just make us feel better in the moment; it sets us up for long-term success. It encourages us to strive for our goals with a healthy, supportive mindset, making our journey towards personal and professional growth much more enjoyable and sustainable.

Do what's the key to moving past these deep-seated fears and starting to be kinder to ourselves? It all starts with recognizing what's holding us back. We need to pinpoint and understand both the societal norms and personal beliefs that make us think being hard on ourselves is the only way. Acknowledging that these fears are just roadblocks to our happiness and health is the very first, essential step.

Then comes the choice to take a new direction. This involves a deliberate shift from being our own toughest critic to our own biggest supporter, from seeing failure as something to fear to viewing it as a valuable part of our growth. It means deciding to approach life with a spirit of kindness, not just towards ourselves but to everyone around us. 

Embracing this mindset isn't about lowering our standards or aspirations; it's about creating a more supportive, resilient attitude that can propel us to even greater heights than we thought possible.

This is a journey, one that doesn't happen overnight. It's a gradual process that demands patience, consistent effort, and a lot of self-encouragement. But believe me, the payoff from this commitment is immense. By making this shift, we stand to gain a more robust sense of our worth, bounce back from setbacks more quickly, and enjoy a journey toward our objectives that's not just successful, but also deeply rewarding. Let's look at self-kindness not as a limit to what we can achieve, but as a powerful force that can unlock our fullest potential.

Here are 4 simple ways how we can start: 

Number 1: Begin With the Basics: Kickstart your journey with straightforward affirmations that promote a sense of self-compassion. A phrase as simple as “I’m doing my best, and that’s perfectly okay” has a lot of power. Such affirmations serve as gentle reminders that our efforts are valuable and sufficient.

Number 2: Self-Reflection: Make it a habit to spend a few moments each evening reflecting on something positive you achieved that day or a challenge you handled well. This practice helps to shine a light on your successes and the graceful way you navigate difficulties, fostering a more supportive inner voice.

Number 3: Establish Boundaries: Mastering the art of saying “no” is an important aspect of self-kindness. Setting clear boundaries is a deep act of self-respect because it prioritizes your needs and well-being, ensuring you don’t spread yourself too thin or compromise your health and happiness for others.

Fundamentally, practising self-kindness means learning to treat ourselves with understanding and forgiveness. This approach to self-compassion doesn't just stay within us; it naturally spills over, impacting how we interact with everyone around us. By being gentler and less critical towards ourselves, we reduce the chances of letting our own insecurities and harsh judgments affect our perceptions of others. As a result, our relationships have the chance to thrive in a more positive and supportive atmosphere.

By adopting this mindset, we can change the way we deal with conflict, approaching it from a place of clarity and positivity.  Essentially, when we learn to treat ourselves with understanding and forgiveness, this internal compassion doesn't just stay within us—it naturally flows outward, impacting how we interact with everyone around us. This shift helps in finding resolutions and fosters a deeper level of understanding between everyone involved.

Let’s learn from Sam. Sam often found himself in the middle of arguments with his siblings over things that, in the grand scheme of things, were pretty minor. The root cause wasn't the issues themselves but rather Sam's battles with feelings of insecurity and self-doubt. 

These feelings made him quick to perceive criticism even if there was nothing to criticise about, leading him to react defensively and escalate the situation.

However, everything started to change when Sam made a conscious decision to practice self-compassion. By choosing to treat himself with more kindness and understanding, Sam was able to view these family disagreements in a whole new light. This perspective allowed him to enter conversations without the immediate instinct to defend himself. 

Instead, he approached these conflicts with a calmness and openness that had been missing before. This significant shift in his demeanour changed his interactions with his siblings, leading to discussions that were more constructive and harmonious than confrontational. I know if you come to think about this, it’s easier said than done. But remember, start small, this doesn’t have to make you feel overwhelmed or pressured. This is a practice, a total shift in mindset. 

Sam's story is a good example of its impact on our interpersonal relationships. Cultivating compassion towards ourselves does more than just help us heal our psychological wounds; it also has the potential to enrich our interactions with others. By adopting a kinder attitude towards ourselves, we can dismantle the walls of negativity that hinder communication, making way for interactions characterized by understanding, respect, and genuine care. This not only improves our relationships but also contributes to a more supportive and loving environment for everyone involved.

Practising self-kindness also amplifies our ability to empathize with others, deepening our connections in a truly meaningful way. By embracing our imperfections and learning to forgive ourselves, we open our hearts wider to the struggles and flaws of those around us. This empathy allows for stronger bonds of connection and mutual respect, which are the cornerstones of any rewarding and healthy relationship.

Take, for example, the inspiring story of Ava. Initially, Ava found it challenging to really connect with her colleagues at work. There was always this invisible barrier that kept her from truly understanding and relating to them. 

However, everything began to shift when Ava started to integrate self-kindness into her daily routine. This self-compassion changed Ava's perspective on her interactions at work. She became more receptive and understanding of her coworkers' experiences and difficulties. This broke down the walls that once isolated her, leading to not just a more positive work atmosphere but also the development of genuine friendships that Ava once thought were beyond her reach.

Ava's experience beautifully illustrates how self-kindness can be a powerful catalyst for not only personal growth but also for enriching our relationships with others. By fostering a compassionate approach towards ourselves, we naturally extend that same level of understanding and kindness to others. This doesn't just make our social environments more harmonious; it also builds a foundation for deeply connected and mutually respectful relationships, enriching our lives in ways we never thought could happen.

As we journey together in this beautiful life and the path to being more kind to ourselves, remember, that it’s not a one-time achievement but a continuous practice. It's about enhancing a relationship with ourselves that’s based on understanding and gentle encouragement. Through this practice, we learn that our true strength in facing challenges doesn’t stem from self-criticism but from the supportive and kind energy we foster within ourselves. 

As we part ways today, I’d like to leave you with a final piece of advice: Treat yourself with the same kindness and patience you would offer to a cherished friend. Just imagine the changes that could take place in our lives if we applied the same level of compassion and empathy to ourselves as we do to others.

Thank you for joining me on this episode. If you found today’s talk helpful, I encourage you to subscribe and share it with someone who might benefit from a gentle push toward embracing self-kindness. One small act leads to a domino effect. 

Let’s share the message that being kind to ourselves isn’t just an act of self-care; it’s a step toward changing our lives for the better.

Until we meet again, take good care of yourself. You’re very welcome.